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If you want to have a successful relationship, you not only need to have the same goals as your partner, you also have to want them to the same extent, says research under way at the University of Melbourne.
Warwick Hosking, who is completing a PhD under Associate Professor Jennifer Boldero in the School of Behavioral Science, has surveyed about 600 people, aged 18 to 52, for his research into relationship conflict.
He found that the greatest source of conflicts between romantic partners, family and friends, was not over differing goals but wanting the same goal with different levels of intensity.
“Relationship researchers have long known that having the same kinds of goals is the key to a successful relationship – but my research looks at extent to which people want common goals,’’ he says.
“What I have found is that differences in the extent of goals increases conflict in romantic, friendship and family relationships.
“The implication is straightforward – when partners don’t aim towards the same level of goals and standards, they can act in ways that don’t fit in which each other’s needs.
“For example, if one partner works long hours to achieve his goal of becoming extremely rich, the other, who is happy just to be comfortably well off, may resent their spouse spending so much time in the office.”
Mr Hosking’s research is also examining the difference between goals which are based on a person’s ideals, compared to those which are based on societal expectations.
“Ideals reflect things that we desire, and tend to be personal and idiosyncratic rather than imposed on us by external forces such as family and society.
“This means that when partners want their ideals to the same extent, they are like ‘allies’ who can help each other achieve those ideals, and this makes the relationship a close one. Where there are differences, partners feel they’re on different wavelengths, which reduces closeness.”
Mr Hosking says in an ideal world, one would aim to have relationships with people who have the same goals and ideals to the same extent.
“In reality, though, we often don’t share all of our ideals and values with our partners to the same extent, so the key to avoiding conflict is to be aware of your differences,” he says.
“Once people become aware of their differences, they can take action, they can discuss and negotiate to reduce differences or they can put them in the background and make them less important than the relationship itself.
“The ability to understand and discuss differences and be flexible is crucial to relationship success.’’
Editor's Note: Original news release can be found here.
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